nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
You Might Also Like
For anyone who needs this today
Walking my 6yo out to the car and pointing at a patch of dead weeds in the yard he says, “Mom what happened to those plants?!” and I’m like “those were dead before I got here I did not kill them.”
You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.
“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.
Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]
I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?
WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills
OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died
WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same
A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.
Times when the world seems different somehow:
– being in your elementary school as an adult
– being in a pool when it rains
– train stations at night
– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die
– walking through fresh snow by yourself
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
waiter: any questions?
me: did courtney kill kurt??
him: uh, about the menu?
me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu
There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:
1. Headphone users have torsos?
2. Giraffe strangler
*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.
He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.
“Ever go to a mall and buy something from the 1st store you stop in? And for the rest of the night you have to carry the bag, watch the bag, remember to pick up the bag after you set it down. It’s kinda like that.”
-me trying to explain to a friend what it’s like to raise a child
“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples
It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.
If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.