nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
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announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!
audience member: you mean eligible?
announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT
beauty:
beast:
beauty: *sips tea*
beast: *sips tea*
beauty:
beast:
beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—
beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
History Channel, 1995: Here’s some things that happened
History Channel, 2005: Here’s some things that could have happened
History Channel, 2015: Here’s some things that realistically never happen
History Channel, 2025: Here’s some aliens that restore ice road trucks for war
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.
To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]
“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.
We have a fun thing at work where we hide things as a joke. For example, I just hid Nicole’s bowl of candy corn in the dumpster outside.
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
DAD: no
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t
[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
When I snag the last meatball.
My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
Is this your resume?
“Yep”
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
“Oh yes”
Welcome to UPS!
be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character