Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend: *sets up chess board*

Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*

A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo

[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.

[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST

3yo: Mommy, look outside at the snow.
Me: It’s pretty isn’t it?
3yo: Yeah, it’s your favorite color.
Me: No, that’s not my fav—
3yo: Yes it is

They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list

FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!

My comment: So was the Titanic.

What I say: Maybe.

What my kid hears: Yes. Definitely yes. Pinky promise. Blood oath. It was written in the stars 11 billion years ago.

When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.

I really hate when people derail normal tweets with their own upsetting lore. You’ll be like “it’s great when grandparents are active in kids’ lives” and someone is like “well ok but my grandmother literally went to jail for killing my parents and is currently on the loose??”

[eyeing a beautiful woman]

ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants

HER: they look terrible on you

[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary

They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.

Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.

I have a colonoscopy today. Yesterday, I started my prep. Haven’t ate anything in over 24 hours and drank all the laxative. It’s been a long 24 hours so far of just hanging out in my bathroom.

Just checked my phone and realized my colonoscopy is actually July 12th and not June 12th…..

I hate myself

[First day of jury duty]

*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?

hotel guest: what room am I in?

me: this is the lobby

manager: can I talk to you

It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.

(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”

(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*

I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.

Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard

A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.

Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.

-my son, asking to be taken out of the will

Matt Lauer lost his job.
Charlie Rose lost his job.
Mark Halperin lost his job.
Glenn Thrush lost his job.
Billy Bush lost his job.
Harvey Weinstein lost his job.
Kevin Spacey lost his job.
But in politics…
Conyers still in Congress.
Moore still running.
Trump still President.

SPIDER-MAN: hold it right there, Chameleon
CHAMELEON: how’d u know it was me??
SM: ur disguised as Peter Parker
C: so?
SM: *starts sweating*

You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?

*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza

My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.

I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.

He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.

Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.

Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.

soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk