Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?
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Caller: my dog ate chocolate! my girlfriend’s gonna kill me! I’m a dead man, a dead man!
911: calm down, sir. let’s focus on the dog
Caller: oh he’s fine.
911: but you said…
Caller: chocolate was my girlfriend’s cat
Saw a deer in our yard & I know it’s not a big deal but before moving our only yard wildlife was a family of city opossums & our dogs kept bringing the babies playing-dead in the house & I had to remove a lot of not-dead opossums cuz my husband is a chicken
So…a deer was nice
Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion
Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber
Absolutely no one:
Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*
Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!
So apparently if your iPhone tries to electrocute you, Apple support doesn’t know what to do except say “oh that’s a problem” and pass you up the support chain until you reach the person who feels comfortable putting you on hold for a year. It’s fine. I have all night. 🤯
My CW just barked.
Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
X-tra spooky blend
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
What in the hipster hell is going on here
People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.
Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush
Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
Wasps: bees, but not helping
“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.
“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.
SQUARREL
oh. I see you’ve gained some weight.
-my mirror
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
What if because of climate change, Nessie is forced to emerge and blend with society and we find out it’s the sweetest, most caring, nurturing creature ever? And all of you a-holes have been calling it ‘monster’ when the monster is really YOU!?
Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”