Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW

A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.

If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.

Laundry:

Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days

[PRESS CONFERENCE]

Me: I’m going on the record. Yes, I’d go back in time to kill a baby

Reporter: you mean Baby Hitler?

Me: sure, whoever

Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem

Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection

Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control

M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism

[me as a ninja]

[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]

[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]

I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.

Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone

Him: But, you hate coconut?

Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.

ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?

Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.

Me: It doesn’t have a tail, so I’m pretty sure it’s a hamster.

Tech support: *sigh*

Fine. Right click on your hamster…

[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*

Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.

(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
Why

Did

You

Unfollow

Me?

Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?

Take me now, covid.

Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”

Tim: “You did what?!”

Ian: “Baked you a pie.”

I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano

My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”

Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]

Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.

“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”

Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.

ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?

DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego

Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!

2020: Nope.

My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.

5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going

There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”

My wife asked me, “How do I look?”

I said, “With your eyes.”

I almost lost mine.