nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
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Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?
M: Actually…
*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*
M: That was amazing.
My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”
The last two times I’ve chewed gum I’ve bitten the inside of my mouth. That shit really should come with instructions.
Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driver: Sorry, I’m English.
Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her
having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”
When the cashier at PetSmart asked me for my phone number I said it loud enough for the hot guy behind me in line to hear.
I might have repeated it.
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.
Today I took a sip from my new water bottle that I’ve been drinking out of for a week and it tasted like… chunky so I looked inside and there was a pretty hefty size instructional manual sitting at the bottom that I guess came with the bottle and that I’ve been slowly ingesting
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”
Nailed it.
dam girl
