Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play

I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.

If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.

Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…

…because chaos.

oh you like road-trips? name every road then

The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear

Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.

I walked into a pub with my wife..

The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?

I said That sounds like a fair swap

[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS

Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨

*solves baby formula supply chain issues*

Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty

I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.

[first day as waiter]

Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?

Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.

Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.

*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you

We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.

90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.

Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?

I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.

Basketball games are very squeaky.

He went from scream to scary movie in seconds😭

My Transformers name would be Past Her Prime.

Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.

I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.

10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”

8: “That’s not a real year.”

[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law

Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave

*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *

Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.

No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.