Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.

The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.

I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.

Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together

Me: That’s not true

H: Wanna go hiking

M: I don’t like your tone

I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.

Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.

Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything

Me at a wine tasting:

*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.

“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye.” Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.

“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics

Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me

Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now

Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. They’re crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, you’re terrified.

INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say

Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.

My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison

*First and last date:

“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”

I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains

WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.

ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.

I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.

me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes

optometrist: again, please hold still

“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*

A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.

Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.

Sesame Street: this is an educational show

Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that

Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one

I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of

Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today

Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.

I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap

8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”

– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me

I hate when I’m getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says “my thumbs hurt.” It’s not like I ever say “My jaw hurts.” I finish the job.