Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.

*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.

Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.

there are only 2 generations:

-America’s Funniest Home Videos

-Tik Toks

2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa

me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?

Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?

A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.

I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.

They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials

*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*

Okay, weigh me now.

My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.

A Roomba, but to shave my legs.

So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”

I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.

Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.

Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.

Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.

ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*

you want me to sit in the back seat? the thing that killed JFK?

Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.

When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends

Me: Please be quiet. I’m trying to hear this show.

3-year-old: OK

*breaks into song*

*turns on every talking toy*

*detonates fireworks*

I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*

[ouija board]

How are you feeling?

*board begins spelling*
O-O-E-Y–G-O-O-E-Y

What the!? A cheesy board!?

G-O-U-D-A–G-U-E-S-S

*Comments on Facebook picture*

“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”

bout dat hot dog summer

Dog: I didn’t do it.

Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.

me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-

sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet

[learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the “vroom vroom” sounds with their mouth to knock it off.

“I never trust anything from the government!”

*uses highways

Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband