nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
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This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous
Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.
I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
[Divorce court]
Judge: The reason you’re divorcing is “he’s annoying?”
Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike”
J: Baliff, throw him in jail
For $100 I will FaceTime you in scrubs on Thanksgiving and pretend to be your boyfriend that couldn’t make it because he had to work in the hospital
People often ask me how I afford to live a lavish lifestyle while spending most of my day on Twitter. Here are a few tips.
1. Wake up early every morning
2. Build a work routine
3. Learn to delegate responsibility
4. Inherit a lot of money from parents
5. Sleep at time
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]
Me: how long do you boil something to disinfect it
Her: idk google it
Me: can I use your phone, mine’s disinfecting
Her: *googling DIY annulment*
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either
*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
*Rap battle*
Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.
interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.
me: well, which is it?
Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.
Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”
Hubs: You treat me like a child
Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
me: thanks for the feedback. Really valuable!!!
coworker: no problem!
[coworker gets text at 3am] who teh fucgk do u thgink u r
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.