Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Wedding Day]

FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!

ME: it’s always today, janet

My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.

Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.

It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii

“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming

Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”

So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.

I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.

How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?

It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.

Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?

Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.

I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.

of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare

Me going back to a library branch I used to work at to pick something up

I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.

doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …

Me: give it to me straight doc what is it

doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password

[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”

It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.

[Genetics Lab]

Me: One designer baby, please

Doctor: It’s not like that, you..

Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions

Doctor: What? No, you can’t…

Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers

Doctor:

Me: I’m gonna call her Claire

The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.

A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday

The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.

Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit

I have a midnight snack in the middle of my day, which tells you more than you need to know about my sleep schedule.

Me: How was schoo—
5yo: LUNCH WAS CHEESE PIZZA AS BIG AS MY FACE. THEY HAVE IT EVERY DAY THIS WEEK.
Me: So it was—
5yo: I LOVE IT HERE. FIVE STARS

“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.

Wife:

4 firefighters show up

Firefighter 1: next time, just spray the snake with water. they hate that, they’ll leave you alone — real simple

Wife: If it was so simple, why did you bring 4 guys?

Check mate

The council are threatening to fine me just because I put my recycling in the wrong box. Apparently the red one is only for post.

🤔😂😂

At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.

My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.

If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym