nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
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I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
Lindsay Lohan said she’s voting for Mitt b/c “employment is really important right now”
Like it’s Obama’s fault no one wants to hire her.
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs.
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!
I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
*At a restaurant, 3yo not sitting still*
Aunt Lisa: What’s wrong, dude, do you have ants in your pants?
3: *Looks stunned, drops pants*. Can you get them out?!
Parents, let this be a reminder that young kids will take 99.9% of what you say literally.
Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
(Sigh)
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.
do u think theres a butter planet?
Me, leaving my child home alone: Call me if there’s an emergency.
My child, calling me 2 minutes later: Do you know where the Oreos are?
NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!
ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you
God: you’re a garter snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek?
God: no you’re a snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek!
God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.
Garter Snake:
God:
Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?
Your attempt to intimidate me with your knuckle cracking is a waste of time, I’m quite aware it’s a gas bubble between your bone & joint.
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.