Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.

wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*

H: What is that you’re having for lunch?

Me: fruit salad

H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.

Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*

When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.

maybe its the cursed amulet talking, but [thousands of locusts fly from my mouth and form a living treasure map on the ceiling]

The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist

Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!

Went to a seminar on passive aggressiveness, and someone was in my seat, but it’s ok, I sat next to them, on the floor for the rest of the session

Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.

Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.

I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply

It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.

Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.

Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.

Me: But not the basement, right?

Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.

Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.

“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”

-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism

Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron

Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”

I’ve faced more peer pressure to watch certain TV shows than to do drugs.

When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.

I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident

Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.

My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee

😂🐾

Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?

Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!

The way my phone’s facial recognition pretends not to recognize me, you’d think I dated it.

{At the last supper}

Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”

Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”

Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic

facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once

Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski

“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.