Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.

Education is vital

In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.

That way the search dogs will find you first.

*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.

*trains 1 million soldier ants*

*gets carried to work*

*people on Wheel of Fortune
“I enjoy skiing & doing crosswords”

It’s never
“I like hamburgers & threesomes”

Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?

Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.

I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.

Me: *trying to sleep*

Gf: Babe?

Me: Hmm?

Her: Why will she be riding six white horses when she comes?

Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken

99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…

adding to the discourse

Is this your 1st video conference call?

*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm no

So you’re aware we can see you?

*Cough* what *cough*

Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.

Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.

{Annual Introverts Conference}

speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better

My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.

You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.

When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.

I hate avocados

*gets kicked out of California*

I’ve just told my doctor I have all the Monkey Pox symptoms. He asked me to swing by tomorrow.

Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did

I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.

The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them

Hermit crabs fact: They can be got rid of with a special shampoo but hermits are often too reclusive to visit the pharmacy.

Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me

Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.

Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow

Dance like no one’s going to press charges.