Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire

~ the guy in front of me, apparently

Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid

I accidentally hit a parked car so I left them a note that said “next time it will be you”

Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.

Bruh

if you’re in a movie theater fiddling/crinkling with a noisy snack…………………… you need to give up that struggle after 5 min. let it go. put the community before the snack

So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.

Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?

Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water

What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?

One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!

People on social media: Look at me! Look at what I’m eating! Give me attention!

People in cars: Why would anyone care that I’m about to turn?

Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.

honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old

Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.

Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.

betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.

Person: so, how are we today?

Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks

Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown

Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap

Why? Just why? 😂

I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.

opening twitter before 9am is crazy like did you even try to have a good day

I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings

sometimes you fall asleep with your phone in your hand like you’re a raccoon clutching a hotdog
– my husband, romancing me

We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.

what’s in a name?

Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.

Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways

Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?

Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.

Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.

Me: But my vision sucks.

Optometrist: Exactly.

i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.

Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face