Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.

*methodically going through sword maneuvers, but with a foot long sub*

Son, one day you will learn these moves just as my father taught me, and my father’s father taught him. It is the way of our people. The way of the peaceful warrior. The Subway.

My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.

[at home]

ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed

me: well..what’s the problem

ac repair guy: just shit in the filter

me: wait..to fix it??

Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?

I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.

I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.

Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.

[blind date]

Her: so what do you do for fu..

Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE

I’m receiving intel from Irish Twitter ™️ that there are Americans saying they don’t put butter on sandwiches. What are you putting on regular ass ham sandwiches?! If I hear mayonnaise I’m notifying Homeland Security I swear to Christ.

People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.

*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson

If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”

My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices

“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”

“Juicy Juice”

“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”

“Juicy. Juice.”

Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%

Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%

If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful

“Hey. You sleeping? No? Whatcha thinkin about? Hey. Did you hear me? Hey. Hey. Ok. You’re boring. I’m leaving… Jk I’m back. Hey” – Birds

The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.

ME: wow look at all these hotties

FIREFIGHTER: *rescuing a sixth person from a burning building* stop calling them that

I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory

I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.

One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless person

I don’t like to talk about it

If you’re wondering how motherhood is going, I’m watching a TV show and someone is in traction with a full body cast and I sighed and said “That looks so relaxing”

why is being alive so expensive. I’m not even having a good time.

[6 AM]

Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.

[morning bus drives by]

Child: What’s for breakfast?

My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.

To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”

ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them

PRIEST: Those are your vows?

walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid