Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?
Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN
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You know you have a bag of frozen peas in the freezer that looks like this. Don’t lie.
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.
[on a first date in a restaurant]
him: so what did you do last weekend?
me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.
him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time
me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
Goats that intimidate others are bully goats
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name lol.
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.
4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some
You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
Personal trainer: What’s your goal?
Me :To pet all the dogs…
Trainer:No your fitness goal
Me: To run fast enough to pet all the dogs
I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
if you’re a brand marketer and your client says “we should do a popup!”, sometimes it’s okay for you to say “no we should not”
It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.
Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.
#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes
