Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?
Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN
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In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm
me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark
[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*
My kid: Teacher do you poop?
Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
ㅤ A R G H
Pirate [▪️] [▪️] [▫️] [▫️]
Pain [▪️] [▪️] [▪️] [▪️]
Surprise [▪️] [▫️] [▫️] [▪️]
Silver [▪️] [▫️] [▪️] [▫️]
“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before
kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times
I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.
There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math
Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu
Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet
[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]
Me: do you take requests?
Him: yes!
Me: can you stop playing?
Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”