Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour

On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’

How self-absorbed are you?

[summoning the devil]

me: come to us!

satan: [rising from floor] who summons me?

mom: [comes in] hi honey i thought you and your friends might want some snacks and-

me: mom get out!

satan: susan is that you?

mom: oh my god! satey?

satan: unholy shit how long’s it been?

One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day

I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.

I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.

I missed going to the gym today.

So that’s 20 years in a row now.

what the hell pray for carter everyone

When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”

Decoding phrases used by employers when describing what they want:
“Believes in the company’s mission” = “willing to take less money.”
“Has great work ethic” = “willing to work longer hours.”
“Has a passion for this work” = “willing to take less money while working longer hours.”

Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you

I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room

My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.

Apparently you’re not supposed to announce that there’s been a death in the family every time you kill a houseplant

my friend got banned from this bar so she waited like a year and started going back everyday like nothing happened and the other day the bar tender looked at her and was like “you look so much like this crazy girl we had to ban a while back”

I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.

Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.

I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.

Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”

date: do you like reading?

me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?

My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot

I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.

I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.

My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.

Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.

I would’ve gotten away with saving money if it weren’t for those meddling kids!

friend: i really need your advice

me finishing a bottle of wine while stalking all the girls my ex follows on IG: yes of course, you’ve come to the right person

Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?

Me: We were robbed.

Husband: They only took the cookies?

Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?

the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it