NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*

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[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS


You can’t believe it’s not butter? Buddy, almost everything is not butter


My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.


*Jumps out of bed

“Seize the day!!”

*Stubs toe

*Calls in sick


Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.

They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.


“How much do you love me?”
Count the stars in the sky and that’s how much I love you
“But it’s so cloudy”
*pats her on the head*
Yeah I know


Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.


Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…

…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak