@DrDogMD

NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*

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@iwearaonesie

[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS

@hippieswordfish

You can’t believe it’s not butter? Buddy, almost everything is not butter

@schumoo

My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.

@T_Bonezzz_

*Jumps out of bed

“Seize the day!!”

*Stubs toe

*Calls in sick

@shanethevein

Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.

They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.

@ranndrew

“How much do you love me?”
Count the stars in the sky and that’s how much I love you
“But it’s so cloudy”
*pats her on the head*
Yeah I know

@RidiculousSheri

Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.

@EndhooS

Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…

…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak