NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*
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SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS
SE: -on your sub?
ME: PUPPERONI
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
HER: my friend katie is single again
ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up
HER: yes!
[later]
DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
Not today
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
God: you’re a mosquito.
Mosquito: what does that mean?
God: you feed on blood.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire?
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: you can fly.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire!
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: garlic repels you.
Mosquito: [happy gasp] i’m an itty-bitty vampire!
Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.
That’s it.I’m out.
Grey’s Anatomy is actually one of the best existential horror artworks ever made. It chronicles the 20 year desperation of a single woman – Miranda Bailey – to get her coworkers to stop ***king and killing themselves for long enough to save anyone’s life. She never wins.
I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.
Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]
Instagram Girl, just relaxing in her sweats: Perfect ponytail, full makeup, hydrating after an intense yoga session.
Me, just relaxing in my sweats: Sweating pretty hard, because I dropped a chocolate chip down my sports bra and I’m trying to fish it out before it melts.
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’