Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 10am]: enjoy

Told my son I was born with a cone shaped head because doctor used a vacuum thing to pull me out at birth. He now calls me cone head and is looking for a cone emoji to put on his phone next to my contact name. WE ARE ADJUSTING TO COHABITATING JUST FINE!

If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!

[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]

This is bullshit.

ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing

God: Give them free will

Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”

God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.

3yo: When will I die?

me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.

3yo: Who is going to kill me?

UMMM, what?

Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok

*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*

Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*

✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨

You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.

The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.

[Spider sits at computer and Googles probability of being eaten by human in his lifetime] Holy shit Sharon, COME SEE THIS

Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.

Life advice:
1.Never be afraid to say what’s on your mind
2.Never be afraid to do what’s on your mind
3.Don’t take life advice on Twitter

This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.

[first day as a pilot]

This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.

me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and it’s had a real positive impact on our days, for example-

officer writing ticket: i’ll let you go if you just please stop talking

Here’s why I’m opposed to pilots being obligated to wear boxing gloves for flights:

-Cost of buying the gloves might be passed on to customers
-Pilot loses gloves? Flight gets delayed
-A passenger wearing boxing gloves could be mistaken for the pilot and ordered to fly the plane

Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option

I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work

Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.

Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement

GF: I sent you a dozen roses

Me: oh

GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth

I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.

I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.

Can we not just call it Zealand now?

Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?

My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward

I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.

My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.

To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.

You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”