Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby

Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.

wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok?
me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on!
wife:9, you’re in charge

OKAY DAD

A haunted house but it’s just people making different mouth noises in every room

[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?

“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”

If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.

My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”

I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?

My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.

You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself

Me: promise you won’t show anyone?

Him: promise

*sends pics

H: that’s pics of fruit snacks

M: you said you wanted pics of my goods

Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while

I could win awards for having a bad memory.

In fact, I probably did. How would I know.

911: what’s your emergency?

me: I taught my Dad how to text

911: the problem ma’am?

me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”

Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.

is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants

I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan

i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire

Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.

Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??

You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.

Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.

Just found out my wife is pregnant.

Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus

My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”

I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.

me: when I was your age, I had to work for everything I had, your generation is just looking for handouts u lazy piece of shit
baby:

I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.

My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing

Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.

STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius

Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die