Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.

This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.

You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.

– Broadway producers

[sees kid crying]
Kid: Im lost
Me: that’s ok. We’re all lost. Happiness is an illusion. Life is meaningless. Death is around the corner. Bye

If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.

I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.

psa: don’t ruin the thanksgiving meal by bringing up politics. ruin the meal by telling your family you don’t know half of them half as well as you should like and like less than half of them half as well as they deserve then vanishing while they try to figure out what you meant

When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.

We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.

Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene

“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”

“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator

I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.

Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers

Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:

Salmon mousse
Basil foam
Strawberry dust
Parmesan air

Where does it end?

Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots

me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no

Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September

me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway

them: uno

me: no i don’t

How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.

[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick

Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did

My toddler has just learned how to say her brother’s name. So now she keeps repeating his name over and over, which is driving him absolutely crazy. I have to admit that I’m kinda enjoying it though. Better him than me!

Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.

Bartender: One more then?

Me: Yep

I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.

I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.

ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater

I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.

Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.

*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*

i’m not “wearing a costume” that would be childish and silly. i’m wearing a disguise

Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”