nurse: I’m pretty sure he’s dead
me: let’s find out
nurse: but he-
me: SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what are u-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
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*watches the world burn*
I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.
Me: “Hey bud, do you want to pick out a new fish after school today?”
5yo: “Yeah. Are we going to order it on Amazon?”
Me: “No, we’ll go to the pet store.”
5yo: “Oh. Do THEY order it on Amazon?”
I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
You learn something every day
I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.
Narrator: Along came a spider, and sat down beside her…
Spider: [doing the moonwalk]
Narrator: wtf no
Spider: [breakdancing]
Narrator: omg
Spider: [doing the robot] lol
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
One time I limped into a Dairy Queen and ordered a banana split.
Employee: Crushed nuts?
Me: No, I banged up my knee.
squirrel: *points gun*
me: what do you want me to do?
squirrel: *gestures at sign*
me: alright, i get it *opens book drop*
squirrel: *makes hurry-up motion*
me: NOT A SQUIRREL!
The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.
You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.
A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.
Name a cuter carnivore than a penguin. I’ll wait.
Excluding leopards sleeping high in tree branches. Or fossa. And meerkats, obviously.
Okay so name an aquatic carnivore that’s cuter. Ha! You can’t. Except maybe otters and baby sea turtles I guess, you know what, forget it.
A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again
What I thought was happening: a coworker handed me my vape bc I left it laying around
What was actually happening: my coworker was showing me her new vape which neither of us knew looked exactly like mine
What I did: said “oh thanks” and put it in my pocket
Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
Did I do this right
Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.
Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.
Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.
When you try jalapeños for the first time
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
Don’t know if my mother-in-law is talking about a Netflix show she likes or a family member she hates and she’s so deep into the story I don’t think she knows either.
me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously
personal trainer: *just glares*
Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts