Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”
Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”
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I would like a mode of transportation that only allows me to travel a foot at a time with maximum effort requiring stellar balance.
*pogo stick inventor* I got you.
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is
I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin
We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
Lives near Army base.
Community page on Facebook:
“WhAt aRe tHoSe LoUd BoOms?!”
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
I’m gonna tell my kids these were the Avengers
Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.
What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
ME: Ok
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
ME: Yep
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.
I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side
Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣
