Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”
Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”
You Might Also Like
“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish
I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.
Thus I have to move it to get a beer.
Because exercise is important too.
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.
Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars
My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.
BOSS: you’re late
ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
I hope Biden just starts announcing Executive Orders in his speech:
“And next…my dog gets to bite anyone he wants and afterward you have to say “thank you, Commander”
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
Lord they down here giving us bills every month after you already paid the price
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.
*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
Apples are actually bad for your health! Scientists have discovered that everyone who ate an Apple during the 15th Century is now dead.
Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
It’s never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it’s always Hey Josh, I’m Daryl your court appointed attorney