Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”
Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”
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Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
Me: *Wishes upon a star* Please, I just want the world to be a better place.
Asteroid: ON MY WAAAY!!!
My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?
[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it
evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…
Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.
[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms
My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.
Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?
*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.
‘Keanu Can Canoe, Can You?’ – instructional video in which actor Keanu Reeves teaches people how to use a canoe.
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*
Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.