Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.

volunteer in charge: we are gonna walk around and search for clues about the missing girl.
guy who just bought a new fly fishing rod: we should check the lake first

as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.

Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”

Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks

wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard

Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.

Loan Officer: Proposed name?

WP: Hamwitches

[long pause]

LO: Hell yes.

[inventing oatmeal]

make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries

Capitalist: Hi

Anti-Capitalist: hi

One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.

guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom

Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*

Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE

I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality

I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.

I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.

Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M

I got bills

They’re multiplying

Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.

Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.

My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.

I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.

Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Terminator is a drapery salesman in the new movie.

His new catchphrase?

“I’ll be back….with some swatches I think you’re just going to LOVE.”

I know there are bigger problems in the world right now but I’ve just realised I’ve never seen a baby seagull.

[the middle of showering] I need a break

[In the car]

4 year-old: What’s this song called?

Me: “Don’t Speak.”

[10 minutes of silence later]

Me: You alright buddy?

4: Yeah you said don’t speak.

Guys, I did it. I found the Holy Grail of parenting.

I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.

here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos

*flips bird*

*buys another bird with the profits*

Me: I’m sorry. I never know what to do with my hands, especially when I’m nervous

Driving instructor: *screaming intensifies

[First date]

Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*