Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie

In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.

If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.

Ad guy: okay how do we sell the frosted flakes

Ad guy 2: what if there was a big handsome tiger you just wish would hold you in his arms

Ad guy: …hey Tom, how are things at home

Ad Guy 2: [tearing up] they’re great

Them: Listen to your body more.

Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.

I have said this before, but it’s weird when you realize that what you thought was rock bottom was actually somewhere around rock middle

Her: My dad’s sister does my taxes

Me: So she’s your accountAunt? Lol, hey, where are you going?

I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”

Green Day, the band was Green Day.

me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi

Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.

[7:00:00am] *opening eyes* today is gonna be a great day!!! 😀

[7:00:01am] wait no

[7:00:02am] hold o—

[7:00:03am] stop

If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.

When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.

Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter

Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then

I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.

I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.

my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it

business tip.

INSTEAD OF SAYING
“i work from home”: weak, lazy, does not sound productive

SAY
“i practically live at the office”: a real go-getter, dedicated to the grind, a worker bee

When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.

I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.

bible: love thy enemy

me: loves carbohydrates

Shows used to take a quick break for the summer and be back with 22 more episodes but I’m not even kidding when I say I’ve had an entire pregnancy, birthed a child, she has learned to walk and talk in the time it has taken for Severence to not even come out with a season 2 yet

Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛

Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.

There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.

When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.

Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.

he said he adored my imperfections.

and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????

12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!

12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider

12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude

Due to inflation, a picture is now worth 2370 words.