Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.

Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.

Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it

Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse

Horse: wait what the frick

heyyyy gurl, let’s put red dye in the jacuzzi and pretend we’re getting savagely devoured by piranhas (for romance)

My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister

my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”

What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?

*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*

My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..

I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.

I hope his new foster family is nice.

you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant

[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT

When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking

“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me

“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”

I hope google does well on my son’s test

Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒

Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.

im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances

I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.

Dear diary,

Day 1 (8 AM)

For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.

Day 1 (10 AM)

I’ve run out of food.

DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.

Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.

Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.

Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?

Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?

Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.

Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.

Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.

it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting

Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.

Husband: But you just woke up.

Me: Exactly.

How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?

(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..