Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?

“Mom, I’m an adult. There’s nothing left for you to show me.”
(*folds a fitted sheet*)
“TEACH ME YOUR SORCERY, LINEN WIZARD”

If you really think about it, extraordinary isn’t that great. It’s just an extra helping of ordinary.

Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying

Brother: They’re speaking Korean!

Mom: Shhh

I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.

No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.

Them: We’ve made this idiot proof

Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*

Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.

*uses phone flashlight to look for phone*

I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me

Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.

I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo

I have caller ID for the front door.

If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.

my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life

Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone

Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr

I made my son a grilled cheese with three pieces of cheese and he said that’s too much cheese.

Now my wife is mad at ME for ordering a DNA test.

Never mess with a drunken pig.

[operating room]

SURGEON: We’ve lost him

NURSE: Exact time of death?

GUY IN THE CORNER INSTALLING CABLE: Sometime between 2pm and 6pm

Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.

9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?

[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.

Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.

If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.

Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.

Can i borrow your truck?

Me: no problem just read the dashboard

romanian handyman I’ve known for two years came by today I said hey, how are you, he says “you do not need to say this”

[pretend restaurant]

4-year-old: what do you want ?

me: pizza

4: we don’t have pizza

me: what do you have?

4: nothing

me: I’ll have nothing

4: we don’t have that

me: *throws table* this is bullshit!

Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter

Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.

Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47