nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
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Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors
Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*
Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*
[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)
[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie
Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN
“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.
[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]
Me recordaron éste meme
I’m sure it’s fine.
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
it must be school picture day
I just want the confidence of a kohl’s cashier asking people if they’d like to save 35% off their total purchase by opening a kohl’s charge when said total is only $3.25…….
Someone filmed bats upside down and it looks like a goth nightclub
HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit
Was invited to give a talk about comedy writing to some 8th graders today and at the end the teacher asked what my main advice for kids was and I said invest in fresh water stocks as soon as possible. Wasn’t the vibe, they wrapped me up pretty quick
Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.
Tech support: Your hard drive is corrupt and can’t be recovered
Me: So the book I’ve been writing for 5 years has gone forever?!!!
Tech Support: how much had you written?
Me *still in shock* almost 7 sentences
Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?
Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.
You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!
Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.