Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*
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I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”
jokingly asked my coworker why the flag outside our building was at half mast today and he completely seriously said “for James Earl Jones i think?”
A fun way to spice up any marriage is to surprise your spouse by doing a chore and then when they thank you, reply with “no problem, somebody had to do it.”
Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination
Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday
Wife: aw that’s sweet
Jesus: wow
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*
Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.
911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.
Me: I WASNT READY
I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”
You know when two cops park their cars facing opposite directions so they can talk to each other through their driver-side windows? That’s called a 6-9-1-1.
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.