Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared

*popular kid is struggling in class

*gets a tutor to help

*Kool-Aid

Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.

Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.

[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.

[before sex]

ME: Did you notice I waxed?

WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows

*does Basic Instinct leg cross*

*remembers I’m wearing jeans*

6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.

Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.

How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.

You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you

date: I’m really into dark humor

me, turning off the lights:

wanna hear a joke

If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs

My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.

“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”

And then?

“Cheese.”

Mmmm and then?

“You close the door from outside.”

The Internet is good for two things

1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes

We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.

I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.

Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.

Sick of people thinking the Midwest is just a bunch of small towns and cornfields when they forgot it’s also a lot of road construction, inconsistent weather, and deer that jump in front of your car

Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.

My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”

Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather

When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.

the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that’s not my rule to enforce

Save a reindeer.

Ride a Canadian.

To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.

A Black Mirror episode where you wake up and all TV & movie actors are Tom Hanks. In fact, everyone you know is now played by Tom Hanks. You go crazy and live out your life in an insane asylum. At your funeral, your rising soul looks down at your casket, where Tom Hanks lies dead

i’ve had too much coffee

~ amateurs

Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.