Nurse: *places newborn in my arms*
Me: *has misplaced my coffee cup every morning for the last 9 yrs* I can do this.
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I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.
Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals
😍😂🥰😂😍
[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.
*start packing up my battery collection*
[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
Imagine how scary sharks would be if they wore necklaces made out of our teeth.
Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life
My new husband and me are already winning thru compromise. I accept he’ll never pick up all his socks and he allows the occasional hit and run homicide. Patience & 💛.
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
Quickie so fast, it’s called secs.
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
KNOCK KNOCK!
Who’s there?
*Note appears through letterbox* “We tried to deliver your parcel…”
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.
A Viking in the midst of battle doesn’t have time to stop and cook dinner. WarDash™ brings your favorite meal right to your war.
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.
*in an interview*
Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.
Applicant: 5-7PM po.
Me:
Applicant: 8PM.
Me:
Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones
Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas
Him: You’re unbelievable!
Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?
If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
Just wrote “58008” on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up.
I hate the future.
Me: I can’t find clothes for a toddler
Salesman: Have you looked for 12-15 months?
Me: No, just half an hour
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.