Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

her: babe!

me: wait, I want to word this tweet right

her: BABE!!

me: and send… what was the question?

minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?

Mirror, mirror on the wall like, wtf is your problem? Why do you keep staring at me?

Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.

Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn

The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭

Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?

Me: After lunch, next question.

I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.

I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?

“You don’t feel well? Pfffft you just don’t want to come over”

Me: fine! I guess I can die just as easy at your house as I can my own

[runs out of toilet paper]

Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures

Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.

If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.

I would have beaten a lot more of them up.

Sometimes when my boyfriend and I aren’t speaking, we have the dog deliver notes to each other

I just got a message from the dog asking where the good mustard is

Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.

I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.

Him: I know your secret

Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?

H: You killed someone

M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep

*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?

Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?

Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753

Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll

Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.

Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–
“Football”
Perfect!

“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you

Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.

If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.

COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend

Me: I blocked my own alt account earlier

My therapist: *on phone* Honey, it’s him again…I’m gonna be home late

I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.

Boating season is upon us.

Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza