Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.

I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.

Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…

… the end.

At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.

My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.

I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted

The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate

It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.

Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?

Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.

Joker: No I…wait, what?

INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?

ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.

What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…

[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare

Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode

Architects should try and design a house with no yelling

guy: you wanna take this outside?

me: yeah, let’s do this

[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]

T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.

me to God

My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.

Marriage is easy.

[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra

I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy

Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.

Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane

Me: I’m good

5: *comes in room* hey old lady

Me: *looks around*

5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady

Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*

I hate when someone makes an Instagram for their pet and then spells all the words wrong.
Either your dog is smart enough to set up, build & maintain a successful social media presence or he isn’t.
If you expect me to believe a dog did all this I think he can also spell “hungry.”

who called it a missed phone call from your parents and not a boomer rang?

I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.

*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”

911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY

Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.

In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.

*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*

Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.