nurse: she’s dead
me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
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After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so
Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.
friend: how long have you had that bourbon?
me: 20 years.
friend: why don’t you just drink it?
me: drinking age is 21 dude.
At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—
Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.
[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]
Me: what is this
Climate: change
LMFAOOOO
beauty:
beast:
beauty: *sips tea*
beast: *sips tea*
beauty:
beast:
beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—
beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask
Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”
Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails
Obviously that’s not true
We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings
Kids these days, I tell ya
the three best gummy flavors, together at last
Genie: you have 17 wishes
Me: isn’t it normally 3??
Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.
[invention of baseball]
Guy: I’ll throw the ball
Me: and I catch it
Guy: no hit it with a stick
Me: then what?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: what if I miss?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: you could just say you don’t want to play catch with me dad
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
I just heard a lady in the grocery store parking lot tell her dog in the truck she loves him & he’s beautiful & she’s going to miss him, but she’ll brb & kissed head.
& I just feel like we need more of her in this world.
I also wanna be her dog when I grow up.
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
I like long walks away from everyone
Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy