Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[dressed like Slave Leia]

Them: Haha ready for Halloween?

Me: Halloween?

Detective: Do you have an alibi for the night of the murder?
Me: Yes, here are some store receipts proving where I was.
Detective: These are receipts for duct tape, rope, and a shovel.
Me: Oops. Wrong receipts.

Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.

You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.

*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*

💀😭

Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”

Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”

Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”

me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night

mom: that was actually your father

me: *tearing up* omg does dad know

Teen: Mom, I forgot my key and I won’t be home until midnight. Can you leave the front door unlocked?

– clearly my teen needs to watch more true crime documentaries.

They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon

*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*

*starts adding ice to my wine*

Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured

Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos

I’m an asshole.

Sent from my Apple Watch

What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.

I’m about to risk it all

Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them

I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.

The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.

You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.

[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that

I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.

“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”

-fuse box on a power trip.

Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.

For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.

After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.

You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’

A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself

*Me getting pulled over*

Me:license and registration please?

Guy police officer :I pulled u over..

Me:do u really want to argue with me?

Zookeeper: we suspect one of you stole a giraffe

Zoo employee 1: oh no

Zoo employee 2: oh no

Me: [knitting a tremendously long scarf] oh no

Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.