NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike
[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]
PATIENT: *Opens one eye*
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[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]
My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4
Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer
Me: I’ll be there in five minutes
Pharmacist: It should be ready
Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*
Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes
Me: I KNEW IT
The Jaws theme stays on during sex.
My favourite parallel universe is the one in which, having woken from a nap, I walk over to my dog, have a nice stretch, and just as I think the praise and adoration has peaked, there is a new high as the dog warmly acknowledges my technique with an excited: “ooh, big stretch!”
Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.
ABRAHAM: You didn’t get me anything for Father’s Day.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, let’s call it even.
ABRAHAM: I feel like you use that excuse a lot.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, probably gonna keep using it.
My son talks a lot of shit about knowing how to sit and not swing in a hammock for someone who is currently sprawled out on the ground underneath a hammock
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
ME: rock, paper, scissors
PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all
(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
Wikigenius
It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me 😩
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
