Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U

“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung

I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.

“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.

I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?

doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking

Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.

* asks plastic surgeon

” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”

I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.

And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.

Me: I wanna travel somewhere

My bank account: To the other room? or?

A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.

*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*

I am at my most pretend homemaker when I have a repair person in the house. Who me? Oh I’m just gonna sit here and handsew the trim back on this pillow and when I’m finished with that I’m going to sort my dried flowers for two hours.

Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards

YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*

ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*

Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’

You can only push me so far before I breakdance.

Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra

My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.

MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*

in second grade there was a new girl in my class named Treasure and her parents were hippies. i remember thinking hippies weren’t that bad. and then i met her little sister Tammy. they gave up on cool names after ONE kid! don’t be Treasure’s parents

Gross, who put proof in this pudding?

Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”

I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.

Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.

Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.

“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games

imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains

wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair