Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.

[Father’s Day]

ME: I got you this meat thermometer. Hopefully it works well…

DAD: Hopefully it works medium and rare too!

Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.

[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train

[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”

This is no longer winter this is harassment

Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?

Me: a black swirling pit of despair

Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat

Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage

Medium: You want to contact your late husband?

Me: Yes.

Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?

Me: OMG it’s him.

Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!

It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.

I have alopecia. I don’t wear a wig at work because it’s a very physical job. I was in the washroom and a customer with children were washing their hands. One child pointed at me and EXCLAIMED
“Mommy is that a boy or a girl?”
So I barked.
🤷🏼‍♀️

My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.

Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work

So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.

“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning

If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.

My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.

“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”

ME: So how fast are you at making suits?

TAYLOR SWIFT: …

[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]

What do you mean isolated and unstable?

Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.

Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.

Sunday

My favorite part of any relationship is the very beginning, before the other person realizes what a mess you are and what a huge mistake they are making

You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice

SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:

was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?

ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?

RT if you know someone like this!!!

boss: sorry, we have to let you go

me: in the middle of a work retreat?

boss *severing my rock climbing rope*

I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”