Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

pelicons

It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.

Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.

College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.

My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.

#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning

Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.

I need sex to help my sex life, not food.

The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles

“WHAT?! YOU NEVER TOLD ME!”

– My 7yo, hearing he has a middle name for the millionth time.

mariah carrie

It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.

So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive

I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious

Work from home? I don’t even work from work.

I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.

Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.

CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1

ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.

*awkward silence

GOD: We NEVER use that word here

When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”

I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.

yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in

Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration

my bf had a bad experience getting a sub the other day where they put an ungodly amount of mayo on his sandwich and then that night he was talking in his sleep like “that’s plenty…. that enough may—“ homie was having stress dreams about mayo

Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse

Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.

Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0

My work here is don’t.

i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone

Geppetto: So, I know this is literally the first day you’re alive, but Imma need you to go to school

Pinocchio: WTF, dude?

My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.

All excellent questions

I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.