Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient

You Might Also Like


Me: How are you?
Coworker: I can’t complain.
Me: *sticks finger in his coffee*
Coworker: I just paid for that!
Me: I knew you were lying.


PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD

Signed: nOt The cAt


[Traffic stop]

Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!


Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.

Friend: How old is your kid?

Me: Kid?


I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.


I’m black but not ” can’t understand the Winter Olympics” black.

Those guys in the ski race are running from cops on a bobsled, right?


[meeting at amc network]

“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”


[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust

[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO