@BraandoCommando

Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient

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@Sarcasticsapien

Me: How are you?
Coworker: I can’t complain.
Me: *sticks finger in his coffee*
Coworker: I just paid for that!
Me: I knew you were lying.

@VikingBut

PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD

Signed: nOt The cAt

@AmericanGent69

[Traffic stop]

Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!

@bartandsoul

Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.

Friend: How old is your kid?

Me: Kid?

@KentWGraham

I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.

@TheDailySchmuck

I’m black but not ” can’t understand the Winter Olympics” black.

Those guys in the ski race are running from cops on a bobsled, right?

@noog

[meeting at amc network]

“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”

@funflaps

[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust

[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO