Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient
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Ever misread a tweet and think someone is being sarcastic so you laugh and retweet them only to realize later they weren’t being sarcastic and are really bat-shit crazy? Yeah, me neither.
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
Things my cat eats: grass
Things my cat shouldn’t eat: grassThings my cat should eat: cat food
Things my cat doesn’t eat: cat foodColour of my cat: black and white
Colour of cows: black and whiteSynopsis: My cat is a cow
Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
much to think about
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
I see ur bio says ‘Medical Intern’. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it’s infected. It is right?
6-year-old: Did you know an octopus has 9 brains?
Me: I did not know that.
6-year-old: That’s because you only have 1 brain.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen
When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.
Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?
Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.
Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.
My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”
Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”
What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.
–my dog
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
[camping]
Her: *pointing* What’s that?
Me: Decoy bacon sammich. For bears
H: *tuts*
M: We’re safe as long as it’s there
H: Right…
*later – cut to me eating the sammich*
*later still – cut to me being mauled by a grizzly*
M: I get no pleasure saying this, but told you so
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”