Me: How are you?
Coworker: I can’t complain.
Me: *sticks finger in his coffee*
Coworker: I just paid for that!
Me: I knew you were lying.
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient
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PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD
Signed: nOt The cAt
Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!
Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
I’m black but not ” can’t understand the Winter Olympics” black.
Those guys in the ski race are running from cops on a bobsled, right?
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust
[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO
BOSS: why are you late?