Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.

Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils

I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit

when certain foods on a menu have (gf) next to them, I know those are girlfriend foods. I cannot order them until I am a girlfriend. I must be patient

Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry

*does the robot*

*crowd goes wild*

*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*

Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.

Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.

78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…

I’m no longer his favourite kid.

In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.

How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee

*guy getting eaten by a shark*

Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.

Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.

The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.

the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard

The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.

Happy Halloween!

My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!

My gf 2nd month: listen

I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.

Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.

[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value

IT guy: How much Internet do you need?

My folks: 10,000

A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.

Me: I’m so tired.

Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.

Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!

When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly

Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.

Want proof advertising works?

I just bought a Goodyear blimp.

ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?

unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?

dm celine dion, please.

At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.

The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.

This is an absolute shit investment.

A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.

been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that