Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume?

lady that posts recipes online: well, it all started in the summer of ’21, when i decided to visit italy to reconnect with my roots

“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”

~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out

me: why does my back hurt

also me:

life is over at 7. no more endless playtime, no more baby food, forced to go to school, and you cant even throw tantrums anymore. at that point you should just give up

I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders

Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook

[first date]

HER: I really like a man who notices things.

ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.

I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.

Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.

The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”

Me:

I bought a fridge magnet but it’s yet to attract a single fridge.

You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.

For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.

If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.

[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet

INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?

ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.

*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses

ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there

Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down

Me: When a door closes a window opens.

All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.

You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.

running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages

COMPUTER: Your password has expired.

ME: So it’s a passéword.

self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you

In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.

HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.

When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.

[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt

I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.

Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant

My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?