Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
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The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.
The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
I used to eat my feelings but now it’s so expensive I might as well go to therapy
go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what
Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do
Britain is so cool, everytime you see a name and ask “are they related to…” the answer is always yes
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”
My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
Him: What’s another word for pee?
Her: Urinate.
Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.
Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
My eldest is at the age where she’s starting to ask questions. Tonight she started asking about Father Christmas. My wife calmly took her to another room to answer, leaving me with her younger siblings. We couldn’t hear so I still don’t know what’s up. Hope Santa is OK
doctor: you’ve been bitten by a radioactive shark
me: so i’m gonna get shark powers right
doctor: you no longer have legs
me: just like a shark
[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
hello pervert is such a strong opener
– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny
me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here