Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.

Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry

“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made

PSA: If you end your meeting early, you let the people go. you don’t say “lets use this extra time to chat and catch up”. i don’t want to, kevin. i want to not be here.

5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”

Me: rough day, buddy?

5: I need a glass of milk. Now.

Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.

“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”

My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.

Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.

I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth

I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen

Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.

The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.

me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?

*first date*

Me: They keep saying we’re destroying the ocean, but you know what the ocean is? Just one big toilet. Two parts water, eight parts feces. All that marine life taking ten craps a day then swimming in each other’s shit for a lifetime.

Waiter: Madam, your sea bass.

[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]

“I’m wasted.”

“Me too. You know how bad?”

“Don’t say it again.”

“I can’t feel my face.”

“Goddammit, Kevin.”

“I have a coupon for a large 2 topping”
“What toppings?”
“Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza”
“Sir you can’t top a pizza with a smaller pizza”

You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.

I made up a story for my daughter at bedtime about a friendly elephant. And how he was nice to everyone, even the hyenas who were mean to him. But then I got scared I was teaching her to not stand up for herself, so I ended the story with him killing all the hyenas.

I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.

my card declined at subway and they started eating the sandwich in front of me

I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.

When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.

*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are

fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats

*middle of the gang rumble
Me: Time out, TIME OUT! My mom’s calling, everyone be quiet for a second

sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online

Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.

I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks

Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.