NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
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(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.
(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
Me: we can’t climb on this
My Kid: the older kids are climbing too
Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to
My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read
Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*
[zombie apocalypse]
Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up
Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?
Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.
*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.
ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”
SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*
ME [shaking] omg that’s him!