NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
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My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha
GENIE 2: i just…gave mine money
GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM
Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.
My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️
Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
“No way.” -Jose
My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.
Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.
This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.
I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
can’t talk my ride’s here
i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs
[2.13am]
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*
My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.
°at Nike advertising meeting°
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec