Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.

Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.

Alexa! How many calories does wrapping presents burn?

– me through a mouthful of chocolates that were supposed to be a gift

Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree

just once id like to see people talking about a murder victim in an average way. like yeah tony always hated going food shopping. decent guy tho

Nurse: “This may hurt.”

Me: “June hasn’t been much fun either.”

The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.

I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.

What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else

“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”

[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips

[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops

*Listening to red hot chili peppers*

Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!

Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.

[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.

my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.

*drops some peanut butter on the table*(stares at it)

Husband: You’re not going to eat that, are you?

Me: NO! *eats it*

“Are you okay?”

Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.

medium: so you want to contact your wife

me: I can still hear her voice

wife: [howling] let me iiiiiin

me: it’s like she’s watching me

wife: [through window] I forgot my keys

All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.

Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it

[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heart

My date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?

Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP

Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.

When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.

Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down

My kid: I’ll look

Me: No, no one is going to look

Target Employee: Why don’t you take a look at our new collection of home decor? It’s so beautif-

Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* I’M ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON

Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.

ME: We’re adopting a baby!

FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?

ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension

Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.

Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.

Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?

Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness

Astronomer: Hello