Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*
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M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.
H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.
M-
H-
M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
[tucking a hotdog behind my ear] I’m off for my run, babe. See you later.
kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar
Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
Me: we can’t climb on this
My Kid: the older kids are climbing too
Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to
My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read
Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*
Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.
Guy pitching Stuart Little: So this family adopts a kid and the whole story is about the new kid learning what it is to have a family and be loved
Producer: That sounds beautiful
Guy: The new kid is also a rat
Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
[watching TV on couch]
Me: Think you’ve got enough blankets on you? I can’t even see you, ha ha.
Her: …
Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?
Her: …
Me: I’m just talking to a pile of blankets, aren’t I?
Pile of blankets: …
A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.
Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.
I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid
“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”
“So you don’t end up like me”
“What, awesome?”
“Alright fine, no school today”
Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.
[tattoo parlor]
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”
“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“
“Wisks!”
“Right. That’s why I-”
“I’m weally disappointed.”
I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.
Business is booming.
Me: New rule, if you leave the dinner table without saying “Excuse me,” we will assume you’re done and I will eat the remaining fries right off your plate.
9yo: should we tell 5yo once she gets back to the table?
Me: (speaking through a mouthful of 5yo’s fries) nah
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.