Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.

I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.

Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.

Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!

Sliding into her DMs like: ‘Hi’ or ‘Hey’.

-Unoriginal
-No
-Has that literally ever worked?

Sliding into her DMs like: ‘It’s all gravy, baby.’

-Suave
-Well that’s new
-Implies you might have gravy. Ladies love gravy.

“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.

Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.

Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible

My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat

Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.

Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*

i hope all the people who have me blocked because i annoy them are mad as hell they have to read this shit again. hi.

Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.

I am wearing a house.

There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.

Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining

The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.

INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.

“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion

so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset

#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy

I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.

Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.

[haunted house]

Me: I’m terrified

Jessica: is it the rattling chairs

Erica: is it the bleeding doors

Sarah: is it the possessed portraits

Kate: is it the shaking coffins

Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before

Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.

9: Why do some British people drop the t’s in their accents?

Me: Cause they have different accents from different parts of England.

9: No it’s cause they drank all the teas!

[crumpled up paper on floor]

*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…*

*leaves it*

Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.

I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment

[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here

It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”

Now that I am a parent I am confident that the reason my parents had to “check my Halloween candy” was NOT because of razor blades and drugs.