Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛

ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?

HIM: Beers

ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.

Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage

confronts reality

pokes it in the eye

Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.

*drives to liquor store

The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.

Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.

DM from account I don’t follow: “Hi”

Click on account

Follows – 7
Followers – 0
Tweets – 0
Retweets – 0
AVI – Pretty girl

Me: Okay, I can work with this.

Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”

Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”

The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.

You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.

I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.

Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.

Girl: yes baby, punish me.

Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.

Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.

Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?

Me: The arrival of the paramedics?

what if i hugged you really tight and then loosened my grip slowly and then told you your blood pressure is 140/90

Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.

Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.

Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this

Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.

Her: So you wrote Amazing Grace about your ex?

Me: Yes

Her: And now you’ve written one about me! I’m so excit-

Choir master: Now we sing Adequate Rachel

Her: what

[rubs magic lamp]

GENIE: You get 3 wishes

“Anything?”

GENIE: No wishin for more wishes

“I wish for more genies”

GENIE: I don’t like you

Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.

I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.

Here you go, Merry Christmas!

“Dad, why’d you wrap our gifts in soft fabric?”

Because I wanted to make-

Mom: NO DON’T

My presents felt

Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.

Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.

If you’re over 60, don’t shovel snow

We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow

Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.

The worst part of marriage is when you do something stupid, the best part of marriage is when your partner does something stupid