Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now

Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.

GMO bananas: turn brown for what?

MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.

ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.

America: Japanese ads are extremely weird

Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*

5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”

So, yeah, she’s mine.

Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.

My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.

Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back

Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:

1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving

Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.

me: I’m stuck in a time loop

friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight

me: my watch is on too tight 🙂

Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry

[ouija board]
“helo??”
ＹＯＵＲ… ＳＰＩＲＩＴ…
“shh its working”
ＷＩＬＬ… ＡＰＰＥＡＲ…
“omg”
ＡＦＴＥＲ… ＴＨＩＳ… ＡＤ…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”

“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.

I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.

Wanna know what it’s like being married?

Chain yourself to a wild animal.

Now kick the animal.

As a kid, I once spent hours hiding wedged behind a dresser refusing to come out unless my mom called me Smurfette- knowing full well she’d never figure out that was the way to find me/ get me out – so yes I’ve always been this way…

My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.

[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?

No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here

Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.

Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.

*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.

sent my boyfriend a post-ambien text last night that said “i’m going to sleep, do you want anything?” proving my subconscious is stupid, but kind

Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.

Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.

Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.

Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”

Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”

Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s

Genie: done

Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy

Me: shhh

Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”

I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.

If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.