Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?

Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey

Exec: I dont think that works

Writer: Se-seven Monkeys

Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-

Writer: TWELVE monkeys

Exec: Now.. hold on a second.

on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat

in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice

The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes

*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck

The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.

The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.

Me: Open your mouth, and close your eyes, and get ready for a big surprise.
5yo: Yum! A chocolate chip!
Me: Haha you just ate poison.
5yo: Quick. Give me the antelope!

this is the best day of my life

just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”

Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?

I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich

I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.

“You drive, I’m tired.”

we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology

Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.

I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.

My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?

Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night

The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.

teachers: it’s the 100th day celebration

me: oh wow, alread-

teachers: your kid has to bring something in

me: oh ok, sure what shou-

teachers: 100 somethings

rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600

My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.

stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff

Nobody:

My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?

My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.

Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!

(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES

Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?

Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr

Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.

I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue

Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me