Nurse: “This may hurt.”
Me: “June hasn’t been much fun either.”
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My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo
TV Ad: Do you wanna watch a show that smartly satirizes the complete corporatization of American institutions and skewers the bureaucracy of large companies? Watch “The Boys!”
Me: Heck yeah
TV Ad: Streaming now on Amazon Prime™️
Me: Wait a second
Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.
The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker
Need WebMD
I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
Not only do I turn down my radio to find a house or a parking spot, but I also take off my sunglasses to hear someone better.
Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.
(job interview)
HR: And one of the many benefits we offer is a free gym membership. We really push healthy living.
Me: *stands up and leaves*
Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it
Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.
Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.
Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
It’s password awareness Friday.
Today I offer free consulting.
Send me a password and I tell you if it’s strong.
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.
I need a headline like this
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.
Olympics, but with real life skills like who can build the tallest pile of trash on top of the can to avoid taking it out
Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk
Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…