nurse: time of death
doctor: 4:19—
[i take one last breath]
doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot
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911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
Friend: What have you been watching lately?
Me: Zoom
ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.
ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.
hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
Comparing yourself to others
Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.
[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”
Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*Me *giddy* I take their breath away!
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!
How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this
Her: What, really?
Me: It’s fairer
Her: But I didn’t have wine
Me: You had dessert though
Her: I am 6 years old
Me: Get your money out
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid
Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF
Students: but sir we can’t write that
Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
God: you’re a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: w-what was that?
Baby Shark: sorry go ahead.
God: a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: that’s like super annoying.
Baby Shark: hee hee.
God: doo doo doo-great now it’s stuck in my head.
this independent good boy don’t need no human