nurse: time of death
doctor: 4:19—
[i take one last breath]
doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot
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the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
Home Alone teaches us that a child can’t pack a suitcase but can create a fully functional flame thrower to harm a small New Jersey man.
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
🐿️
I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners
I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
A rich person walking around like “oh my, where are my manors?”
Me: objection your honour!
Judge : sustained
Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget
The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it
Dress for the job you want others to think you have.
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.
Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday
Wife: aw that’s sweet
Jesus: wow
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?
Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.
Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.
*I accidentally fall onto my computer and it logs me into Facebook* crap
*I try to get up but fall again and it causes me to type in my ex’s name* dangit
*I fall yet again and comment “your baby looks cross-eyed” on his album* oh shoot
In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.