Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.

In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.

Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”

So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet

Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.

Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.

Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-

Me: Is this even a garden??

The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.

[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug

[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university

If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?

me: I’d like to buy that giraffe

zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir

me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?

Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays

there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball

There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.

I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.

Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder

I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.

How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?

America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.

Me: [wisely] what goes around, comes around

Ferris wheel operator: [annoyed] please stop saying that every time you go past

In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.

[doctor’s]

INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?

DR: Your tests are all clear

IM: Is that good?

DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure

Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?

Me: A lot.

my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated

HEY. Our ancestors didn’t eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.

I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.

You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?

That’s how I’m handling adulthood.

You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien

MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?

A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.

My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers

Oscar Wilde: “be yourself, everyone else is already taken”
Liam Neeson: *cracks knuckles*