Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nan swears blind she heard a miaowing from next door’s garden. She miaowed back.
The cat miaowed.
She miaowed back.
This continued for minutes.
She walks down the garden to the end.
Looks over the fence.
Still miaowing.
Sees her neighbour miaowing back at her.

Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.

[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
W-yes
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]

Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks

Spanish Government: Anything further to report?

Shakira: No.

Shakira’s hips: YES!

My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh

[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]

You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?

Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.

Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!

Just had to take a urine sample to my GP and at reception they asked me “does the doctor know about this already”. No, no. I just brought a cup of my wee as a present. Please don’t spoil the surprise.

Friend: Since 2024 is almost over what have you accomplished this year?

Me: I don’t like your tone

I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.

It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.

No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.

Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died

A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing

Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….

[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?

There are people that make their bed every morning and people who think it’s a waste of time and then they marry each other.

A flock of dads is called a grill.

getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys

Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.

There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.

[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?

A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.

Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?

Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.

What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?

Russian roulette.

‘Pizza toppings. Go.’

-Me, speed dating.

My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.

What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…

If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms