Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

roommate: do u have any shaving cream

me: no it tastes gross

roommate: you eat shaving crea-

me -no why would i eat it if it tastes gross

*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*

Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.

The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?

Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang

[toddler birthday party]

Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?

Wife: mine’s-

Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?

Wife: -432 months.

My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.

If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.

finally found a reasonable question

“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?

*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art

You know what’s going to happen and it’s still funny every time 😂

https://video.twimg.com/ext_tw_video/1839544216038584320/pu/vid/avc1/716x1280/7giy8IVI1oi1GI7Y.mp4?tag=12

Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?

Me: Be invisible.

Kid: To fight bad guys, right?

Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.

If you’re having a bad day I just want you to know I asked the paint guy at the counter for a gallon of “Menstrual Rose” when it was actually “Minstrel Rose” …so ya

The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.

me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*

Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??

Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?

“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus

People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!

Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.

Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.

Got ya covered

[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]

11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep

dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months

[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet

getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver

Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.

I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.

So glad we cleared that up