Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.

“Sir how should we sell scissors?”

SADISTIC CEO: Put them in tough plastic that..get this*cries with laughter* u have to open with scissors

your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE

I read this article that said your heartbeat will try to synch up with your music, which makes it sound like if someone’s suffering a cardiac arrest you could just put on some death metal and crank it

[Applebee’s, 49 BC]

waiter: what would you like, sir

Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*

waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*

if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real

ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake

ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here

[walking on beach]

[find bottle with message in it]

Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?

[another bottle with message washes against my feet]

i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert

the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together

Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?

Kid: Yep

Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher

Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking

[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes

Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market

Realtor: ok, where is it?

Little Old Lady: um, right here

Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe

Little Old Lady: it’s my home

Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?

Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one

if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s

Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.

Being a little kid is so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and you just got your first paycheck from the tooth fairy. Life is good.

Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?

Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT

ㅤ

Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?

I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”

CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d

I’m just going to flip my omelette here
Anddddddddd
I’m actually having scrambled eggs now

I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.

“Keep it in your pants!”

-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.

An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.

used to be as a frog you could say “ribbit.” but you can’t do that anymore. because of croak

Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes

I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.

I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.

I’m not making a lot of progress.

WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly