Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene

my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”

me as soon as i see the dogs:

Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.

“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.

I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me

It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.

I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.

Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad

I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”

“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign

COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?

ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*

COP: Oh dang

Netflix: are you still watching

Alexa: yeah he’s here

Me: 😳

Today, I changed a light bulb, crossed the road, and walked into a bar.

My life is a joke.

My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…

My 7yo asked “why doesn’t mommy eat ice cream?” And my husband and I laughed and laughed and laughed because every night after the kids go to sleep I eat a giant mug full of ice cream.

This was the very first time she’s appeared to be impressed by me.

Happy Star Trick Day.

May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.

How many tricks you get today anyway?

At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.

[watching my life flash before my eyes]

God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?

Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.

Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…

Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.

*chugging beers at 11am*

Waitress: looks like somebody is having a fun St Patrick’s Day!

Me: That’s today?

I found a guy today on Reddit that goes into the loss prevention subreddit and brags about how he is always stealing cheesecakes from Costco. He’s the cheesecake joker. He even tells them how he’s doing it

Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?

I feel that way about far too many people.

If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.

There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.

So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?

Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.

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– Parallel parking my time machine

” National No Bra Day”?

I say pics or it didn’t happen day.