Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
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My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.
RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.
I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?
i was once in a long-distance relationship and she called me one day crying and admitted she’d cheated on me, and i should have broken it off then but i was young and smitten so i said “it’s ok, i forgive you, just promise you won’t do it again” and she said “no”
[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”
Me: I could survive in the wild.
Wife: It took you 9 minutes to open a bag of chips.
Hopefully wild game isn’t wrapped in plastic.
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
Immediately pulled out of any TV show if there’s a bookcase in the background. “Why do they have two copies of Twilight Eclipse!?” I yell at my wife as she Googles divorce lawyers…
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….
3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean
me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water
3: [smiling] I already got ice water
peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*
You can’t be the most good looking one at any wedding because you can’t compete with how great the food looks.
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.
Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…
[Troy in the olden times]
“WTF is that?”
A wooden horse
“It’s not full of soldiers is it?”
[from in horse] JUST TAKE IT INSIDE & HAVE A LOOK
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
4: Mom can I have a snack?
Me: Yeah hang on
4: Did you mean yes?
Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother
I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73
[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.
Him: Hypnotist?
Me: Oh hip noticed alright.
[Heaven]
Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.