Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho
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“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?
find these 10 emoji for no good reason
Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”
My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in
[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
if pennywise had a fraternal twin it’d be named quarterstupid
6 months ago I started a journey to transform my body to prove that anything was possible. You have to want it. You have to wake up everyday and put in the work and thats why I haven’t started.
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
If you breakdance you buy dance.
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else
I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.
Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company
5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.