Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

2022 be like

No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.

On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.

Although. I kinda want to now.

[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one

[the Savannah]
Lion: “Why is that lion all on his own? And why is he wearing crocs?”
Leslie Nielsen: “He has no pride. And he has no pride.”

Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.

I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.

Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken

Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.

I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me

Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.

People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.

Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.

I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back

*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*

*sets loose in back yard*

*never mows again*

Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper

therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?

me: *deep breath*

therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up

me: *slow exhale*

*shampoos & conditions hair

*rinses hair

*blowdries hair

*straightens hair

*spits toothpaste into hair

Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.

Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!

Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?

Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?

My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.

[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real

“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question

Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad

Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.

I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.

I’m renovating and I can’t decide if I should start with the plumbing in the kitchen or the pool.

It’s either sink or swim.

#PlumbingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes