NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?
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handing out tuna steaks for trick or treat
JK it’s spam
[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.
flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.
*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*
In-person meetings at the office are a wonderful way to help your developers take a break from being productive
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
They’ve let the kids out of school in advance of the bad weather so it’s our duty as adults to nod & greet one another in town with “Storm’s comin.”
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.
When I sing in the shower the water turns cold
Sheep
Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards
“Can I have a pound of onions please.”
“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”
“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”
Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”
I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN
I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said: “That’s a…big step.”
*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
🎶It’s like 10,000 steps when all you need is a nap🎶
I thought there had to be another explanation for why they disappear but a repairman just took apart my washer machine AND IT WAS FULL OF LOOSE SOCKS
“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.
Hello bedtime my old friend,
My brain is laughing once again.
If someone starts a sentence with “Words can’t express,” brace yourself, because they’re about to give it a hell of a try anyway!