NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?
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I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
walgreen’s cashier: how’s your evening going?
me: WELL IM BUYING LICE SHAMPOO HERE RACHEL SO NOT TOO GREAT SO FAR
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…
Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!
Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.
COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?
ME: She’s my wife
MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]
i used to store stuff in my bra bc i hated carrying a purse. this one time i was making out with a guy n he unhooked my bra and a bunch of shit clunked onto the floor. he stopped and was like “what is that?” and i was like “don’t worry about it” and he was like “is that a knife?”
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
me: [getting murdered]
murderer: [murdering]
murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?
murderer: unbelievable
Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
11 showed me his bookmark which was an old photo of me and his dad and he said, “It’s a memory of before I was born when you and Father were happy together.”
Then he said he was tired of reading and asked if he could buy some game extras on Fortnite and holy crap he’s a genius.
Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
ME: rock, paper, scissors
PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again