Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do

Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life

oh my god

My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.

Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.

Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.

I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.

Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”

I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.

She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.

*slips $5 to the mortician*

Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.

I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.

Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!

Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.

I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over

#SCOTUS one-star review

Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”

Me: “My personal identification number number?”

*he stabs me*

Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother

Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.

– whenever we have company and are never remodeling

HER: where were u last nite

ME: *turns on airplane mode*

HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???

Home Alone teaches us that a child can’t pack a suitcase but can create a fully functional flame thrower to harm a small New Jersey man.

my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing

Talking to my mother-in-law exclusively in Spanish hasn’t really improved my Spanish, but I have gotten very good at charades.

I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.

Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?

[first day in the Mafia]

Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked

Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?

Me: oh no

I made a new rule at dinner tonight.

Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.

It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.

Me: I wish I never had to go outside

Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things

“so what brings you to therapy today?”

“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.

Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”

Me: *typing on laptop*

My cat: *climbs on me, reaches & puts 2 paws on my face*

Me: Aww. So sweet.

My cat: *rips my glasses off with his paws, & flings them on the floor*

Me: Or not.