Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*
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If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
Me too, bag. Me too….
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
ME: where ya headed after Denver
PILOT: flying into Boulder
ME: omg *whispers* I need to warn the others
me and my fake scenarios
*Runs across campus to get to class on time*
Whew! I made it!
*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*
everyone got that one whistleblowing homie. the dude who’s always uncovering corruption and dying under mysterious circumstances
Dear Parker, I’m typing this because the fountain pen you sold me does not, I repeat DOES NOT, work in fountains.
Please advise me of your returns policy forthwith.
“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.
[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*
If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
When you’re a snowman, everything smells like a carrot
Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat
Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
I travel a lot for work and carry around a piece of paper in an envelope with a load of nonsense words written on it in the hope that, if I ever die suddenly, I will become the subject of internet conspiracy theories for years to come
When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.
That’s me in a nutshell.
BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today
ME: oh, wow
BARISTA: yup
[awkward pause]
ME: could…could you get it down?
Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs
Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?
Husband: Huh?
Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?
Husband: What?
Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?
Husband:
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*