Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pat Sajak: I’m Pat Sajak.

Me: Jack.

Pat Sajak: No, my last name is Sajak.

Me: Jack

Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.

Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”

I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements

I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.

Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.

Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell

Ok team, today we’re …..oh

Waking up has backfired on me so many times

The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.

Follow me for more life hacks.

Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here

Please, if you ever offer me a snack and I say no, ask me again, I didn’t mean it the first time

[at the salad bar]

Me: [gets one piece of lettuce]

[adds cottage cheese]

[adds more cottage cheese]

[adds even more cottage cheese]

[throws a $100 bill at the cashier and leaves with salad on a forklift]

“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.

“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.

Shopping online and betting on which shipments arrive by the estimated delivery dates because I don’t feel like going to a casino to lose money.

Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?

Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.

Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!

Me:

I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right

fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha

*watches Charlotte’s Web*

Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror

[grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper

Her: “were you thinking about me?”
Me: “of course”
My brain: *I don’t think i’ve ever pronounced “croissant” the same way twice, in my life

My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something

Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”

Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”

Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”

“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it

“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell

normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes

“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion

Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card

I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear

Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.

WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.